captureacloud's Xanga

God is amazing

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 02:37:25 GMT

So, it's been awhile.

And things have changed dramatically.

Boy oh boy.

But definitely for the better, you see.

I have officially graduated (huzzah to that!) and even better, I have a boyfriend who likes me for me. Even better, I stopped the whole Galon nonsense. I'm not even talking to him right now, though more out of indifference than spite.

What's more, I've learned to be grateful for what I have, than be sad for what I don't have. I thank God for my blessings, and pray even for my enemies. What's that place in the Gospels about prayer? Something about how praying for your loved ones is great, but you're supposed to do that and you should do more.

Ah, I don't want to brag. I'll stop. But I'm thoroughly enjoying life right now - I received a lot of unexpected gifts for graduation. My parents expect to buy me a film camera before summer is out, and I received a fair amount of money. Plus a number of gift cards, and who doesn't like those? :]

In addition to that, I may possibly be getting a job. How awesome is that, folks?! Earning my wages...and paying taxes...I will be dropping the shields of childhood and welcoming the burdens of responsibility. God's there with me (and I thank Him profusely!).

Still haven't overcome the church part of things - but you can't have everything, I suppose. I'll continue my prayers and reading of the Bible. (My favorite is still the story of Jabez. Look in Chronicles 1). And working on my parents - they are so silly.

College in the fall too - I'm so excited! I can't wait. I received plenty of scholarships and my college is meeting the majority of my financial need. I worked damn hard (God, forgive me) and I graduated with seven scholarships, five cords, two stoles, two pins, and an honors tassel on my cap. I am finally proud of myself.

Because you know what?

I am a child of God, and I mean something. I mean something to my family, and to my friends, and to my boyfriend (who is wonderful, by the way, more on him later). As we said in elementary school, I am Somebody.

Even though I have a temper, and I have a snaggletooth, and I have horrible vision, and can't type correctly (not that you'll know, I proofread/correct) and I speak before I think and often get terribly confused, people love me and respect me. And God loves me, too, and that is the most important of all. I am so, so blessed by Him! I look forward to each day now, it's a wonderful thing. And even though I still struggle with my faith, somewhere deep down I 've realized that a part of me will never, ever let go of God. And that's just super. :]

What about you? How are you faring? Any prayer requests are more than welcome - I have a length prayer list anyway, why not make it longer? :] And 'sides, God's my home boy. I like talking to Him, so drop a line. :]

God,

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 03:38:02 GMT

Thank You for the prayers and Ancient_scribe's and CM's comments. They really helped.

Because now I understand You have a plan, regardless of my material desires. You know what's going on; I'm just a kid who worries too much.

I want Your will to be done here. The situation has arisen that I pretty much have to make my college decision this week for a variety of reasons (none of which make me too happy, but this is all Your idea) and I'm trying really hard to make sure You're my guide. I want Your will to be done, not mine. You know what's best for me, ultimately. So when I make the official decision, God, I know Your work will be done.

I'm admitting that I am terribly frightened of what's in store, but I am also excited, because You are a loving father who has granted me a talent I wish to put to Your use. Lead me, Lord God. Take me by my hand and steer me in the right direction; without You I am hopelessly lost.

You understand the sticky situation; if I go to my top college, I will be pursuing my passion as well as taking out loans well over ten thousand per year (which my family may not afford); if I go to my second top college, I will be ensured a paid spot, but my photography will be temporarily on hold. Where do I go? My dreams or shall I be pragmatic? I do not wish my younger brother the financial troubles the rest of us sibs suffered through. I want him to live a teenagery life, not the forced poverty we've had. At the same time, how can I miss this golden opportunity? I already blew it once, God. What do I do?

I have faith You will light my way, and whatever shall be is according to Your map. You are my GPS system and I am relying on You because I am in an area I am unfamiliar with.

Thank You, God. I cannot say that enough. Praise be Your name!

In Your name I fearfully and hopefully pray,
Amen.

Hey God

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:49:26 GMT

Firstly, please forgive me. I forgot you in the busyness of the past two or three weeks. My mind slipped, my mouth used You in vain, and the worst part of all, I sinned and didn't ask forgiveness.

Well, I'm begging for forgiveness now.

Secondly, my heart hurts.

(And my throat and my head, but that's another story.)

Last week I visited the college of my dreams, a four-year intensive photography school. I didn't sleep well the night before, which made the open house incredibly exhausting for me, because I had two interviews, one for the honors program and the other for the photography program.

Epic win with the honors college. Beyond epic fail with the photography program.

And my heart is now broken, because this is all I want to do.

God, I know the door isn't closed entirely. If this particular college isn't for me, then where I do go from here? I know my second school doesn't have what I want, but a nearby community tech one does...only that requires driving (which for various circumstances I can't do yet) and the driving requires new glasses (which for various circumstances we can't afford).

Do You see where I'm going with this?

I know I am very fortunate in many cases, but today I feel humiliated, confused, and broken. I feel horrible that I am lower middle class, I am tired of working so hard and achieving nothing (no awards, recognition or anything because teachers feel I don't need it; stupid backwards logic!), I am sick of feeling so unappreciated for the kindness and effort I put into everything. I long for Your presence in my family for support, God, but no one wants to go to church and mom refuses to go if the whole family doesn't go.

All these ridiculous road blocks, God, for no reason.

Is this another?

God, please, please answer me. You're supposed to pick me up when I'm down.

I'm down, and sinking further.

Heal me, guide me, restore me.

With all sorrow, longing, disappointment and tiny drop of hope,
In Your name I pleadingly pray,
Amen.

Looking Through the Lens of My Camera:

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:11:37 GMT

Why I Love Photography

As a writer pens a vignette, so I shoot with a camera. It is the instant beauty of a sunset just before it sinks behind some trees; it is the ridiculous expression on my sister's face before she laughs. These moments I live for and cherish; with a camera, I can capture them and show the world what I think is beautiful and worth recollection.

    I have always liked taking pictures, but my ardor for photography did not emerge until my trip to Connecticut before sophomore year of high school. I did not possess any camera at the time, digital or disposable, but by divine intervention, my Aunt K did. It was fortuitous, because the scenery around my Aunt P's house (where I was staying) was remarkable. The second morning I was there, I borrowed Aunt K's camera and ventured outside just after the sun had fully risen. It was bright and breezy, and I remember the satisfactory feeling of taking what I thought was a pretty or interesting picture of the pond and trees. After shooting approximately twenty pictures, it occurred to me that I truly enjoyed doing this. Feeling proud, I displayed my pictures to my family, all members encouraging me to take more.

    After I finished my ‘exhibition’, my cousins then paraded their pictures of volcanoes in the Hawaiian Islands. Slumped in the wooden chair in the kitchen, staring at the photo of some striking lava pools, the desire for photography deeply embedded itself into my heart. I wanted to go places that I have never been, to experience everything of the world, not only for my benefit, but also for humankind. Seeing the enraptured faces of my family - and my own in a windowpane - furthered my desire.

    As I matured, this sensation has only intensified. I long to share excitement, joy, sorrow, every emotion in the spectrum of life; what I see I also want my loved ones to see. This craving for sharing fuels my desire to travel; I want to know the world to share it. Climbing fifty feet up a rocky ledge would not bother me in the slightest if people gasped in awe at the resulting picture. I am also a very social person; I love to observe and talk to people. Even more, I love the challenge of clicking the button at exactly the right second to demonstrate a funny face or couple's love for each other. I fully believe that images work so much better than words, because people can understand intentions far better in a thousand pixels than a thousand words. They are how I process information and how I express myself.

    These yearnings - to show that in our despairing age there are virtues remaining; to encapsulate people's inherent nature; overcome physical obstacles - are all part of my passion for photography. These are part of why I aspire to go into photojournalism - I get an adrenaline high from shooting events, and traveling to do my job would be even more exciting. Artistic photography would allow me the same freedoms in a different way; I think differently than most people, so with my photographs I would attempt to express a certain emotion or message in an innovative fashion. I have not had training in this however, but it is something I genuinely look forward to learning about and achieving.

-

On another note, I removed pictures from two memory cards into one folder on my desktop. There are 1,007 items.

:D

something I noticed

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:45:02 GMT

God is amazing.

God? Is amazing.

God is! Amazing.

:)

hard surfaces

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:47:14 GMT

Hey God,

It's me (again).

I am quite frustrated with my essay. It seems I have driven into a traffic jam on Writer's Block and there is no end in sight. Music blasts nearby, there are constant streams of conversation running through my head, and I keep daydreaming of lesser things.

Please, help!

Forgive my lackadaisical nature; this is the first essay in two or three years I am struggling with and it's not even that hard of a topic. I am just smashed to bits when it comes writing this particular one (reality v. illusion in Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude and Isabel Allende's The House of the Spirits). I am literally banging my head against walls, desks, and other hard surfaces.

What do I do, God? I am the jam in a very thick peanut butter and jelly sandwich left on the counter, forgotten. I am not getting anywhere anytime soon. What's going on?

I trust You'll grant me the words at the right time, but it's been more than a week and this essay is long overdue. I can only get it extended so far!

Desperately and lovingly your daughter, in Your name I pray,
Amen.

A prayer

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:19:14 GMT

Hey God,

It's me (again). This time, instead of M I'm talking to you about, I'm gonna talk College, y'know, education that Prepares You For Your Future.

As one xangian commented, You probably had two hands involved with the financial aid package provided by one of my top colleges (to which I eternally thank and praise You!). Well, it's time for the other college, the one that needs two interviews (one for the honors college, the other for the photography scholarships).

I am really nervous, God. I have a funny feeling in my stomach and I want to cry.

I'm proud of the pictures I have taken, but I'm really afraid that they won't be good enough. In addition to the pictures, I need to write an essay on what I hope to achieve at the college and why I want to pursue photography, plus have a letter of reference "that attests to your interest in your primary field of interest" (the word is actually like that in the letter, God. Do You think that's emphasized enough?)

God, I know You know the reception is Friday night. I know You know that the majority of Saturday will be spent learning about the campus and talking to professors. But God, do You also know how scared I am if I don't get a scholarship? This is my dream, God, to go to school for this passion of mine. This college is small, and less than six hours away, which is close and far enough to/away from home. The people there are geared towards helping me prepare for a career; they start classes in photography as a freshman! I don't care if I'm actually really bad at photography; learning from actual classes will be fantastic!

But, God, I know that You have a plan for me, that whatever happens is best. Maybe I'm not ready for courses like that, maybe I need more 'experience.' Please, God, if this college doesn't work out, help me understand that it's for the best, that my skills are needed elsewhere. I trust that You will give me the right words for my essays and interviews, that you'll give my family friend the words for the letter of reference, that You will help me pick the right pictures for the portfolio.

I trust You, God, despite my anxiety, because You are my daddy, and You know best.

Thank You, God, for giving me this day, and calming me down. Forgive my sins, my altercations with other people. Prepare me for my future....I trust You.

With all love and gratitude in my heart, in Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

so

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:59:45 GMT

Yesterday in the mail I received a financial aid package from one of my top colleges.

It was for $36,031.000. For freshman year.

Needless to say, my mouth dropped through the cement floor of my room to the core of the earth (I live on the lower level of the house).

Reading it carefully, it turns out that most of it appears renewable, and by graduation, I would only owe $28,000 total, which I could work off within a reasonable amount of time (like before I retired).

So that made my day, despite feeling ill. :]

(I'm thinking God had a hand in this.)

Now, if my other top college doesn't hand me that much money, then I definitely know where I am going for the next four years.

realization

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 01:15:29 GMT

What the heck is wrong with xanga?

It keeps saying "You forgot to enter a new weblog entry" when clearly I have typed up two posts already.

I really hate this.

Edit - alright, you wouldn't know the other two posts, but they were selfish and whiny because I had a really awful day and all I want is a hug from someone who actually cares.

It's done.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 02:15:21 GMT

Old house = sold.

Closing was this afternoon.

Thank You, Jesus.