| | Firstly, please forgive me. I forgot you in the busyness of the past two or three weeks. My mind slipped, my mouth used You in vain, and the worst part of all, I sinned and didn't ask forgiveness.
Well, I'm begging for forgiveness now.
Secondly, my heart hurts.
(And my throat and my head, but that's another story.)
Last week I visited the college of my dreams, a four-year intensive photography school. I didn't sleep well the night before, which made the open house incredibly exhausting for me, because I had two interviews, one for the honors program and the other for the photography program.
Epic win with the honors college. Beyond epic fail with the photography program.
And my heart is now broken, because this is all I want to do.
God, I know the door isn't closed entirely. If this particular college isn't for me, then where I do go from here? I know my second school doesn't have what I want, but a nearby community tech one does...only that requires driving (which for various circumstances I can't do yet) and the driving requires new glasses (which for various circumstances we can't afford).
Do You see where I'm going with this?
I know I am very fortunate in many cases, but today I feel humiliated, confused, and broken. I feel horrible that I am lower middle class, I am tired of working so hard and achieving nothing (no awards, recognition or anything because teachers feel I don't need it; stupid backwards logic!), I am sick of feeling so unappreciated for the kindness and effort I put into everything. I long for Your presence in my family for support, God, but no one wants to go to church and mom refuses to go if the whole family doesn't go.
All these ridiculous road blocks, God, for no reason.
Is this another?
God, please, please answer me. You're supposed to pick me up when I'm down.
I'm down, and sinking further.
Heal me, guide me, restore me.
With all sorrow, longing, disappointment and tiny drop of hope,
In Your name I pleadingly pray,
Amen.
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| | Posted 2/22/2009 12:49 PM - 19 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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